Universe Cruelly Offers Local Man Calvin Harris Tickets After Missing Out On Everything Else

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

It doesn't matter if it's Ticketek or Ticketmaster, the owners of either are going to burn in hell for eternity, according to one local man after he failed to get tickets to shows he wanted to see.

Aside from life just sometimes being cruel beyond reason, Betoota Heights man Dave Delgado failed to get tickets to Radiohead's show in Windorah next year. He didn't even get the chance to buy one in Sydney, his third option, because the session timed out and he was booted to the back of the queue. Nor was he quick enough to nab Fatboy Slim tickets, which he was most confident of. And after absorbing that shock, his quest to get a couple of tickets to Bruno Mars in Brisbane ultimately ended in disappointment.

Speaking to The Advocate today, Dave said each missed opportunity was difficult.

"Whoever runs those ticketing businesses will get what's coming to them," he said.

"They are no good and they fuck up the mornings of millions of people each year. You log on, find a place in the queue and then they boot you. No tickets for you. Oh, you want more than one? How does suck my RAM sound to you? Wanker! You should be happy getting a $349 ticket. Yeah, that's right. We're supposedly in a cost-of-living crisis, but there are 120,452 people ahead of you in the line for Radiohead tickets that start at $199 if you want to watch them from the summit of fucking Olympus Mons, you cunts."

"It's enough to make a man go home, put on The Last Waltz and have a cone in the dark."

Dave went on to say that, in a shifting of fortunes, he was offered the 'exclusive opportunity' to buy Calvin Harris tickets through his mobile phone provider.

"For fuck's sake," he said.

"Why couldn't Telstra get me Radiohead tickets? The universe has robbed me of Thom Yorke's pensive moans and given me pinga music from 15 years ago. Fuck it, I'm going to buy 4 tickets and make my friends come with me. We'll try to find some red stars and buckle up."

More to come.