LOUIS BURKE Culture | Contact

Since being declared a pandemic on March 11 2020, the fight against COVID-19 has been the backdrop to some of the most valiant acts of community and decency. 

Unfortunately, the place where this is least evident is the office of Internet Astrologist, Virgo and Herbalife Sales Rep Lilly Haagmorf (58) who despite a vast understanding of the stars refuses to tell us when this pandemic will end.

An astrologist with 20 years experience, Haagmorf started gaining viral popularity around five years ago when people got really into horoscopes again, ending the monopoly of reading them for a laugh during morning tea. 

With an online following of over 600,000, Haagmorf understands that a group of people the size of her audience have died of COVID-19 but does not understand why her skills as a pseudoscientist should be put towards finding a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Scientists are working on a cure for CoronaVirus, but the cures I seek are one that relate to vague and miscellaneous problems of the everyday,” stated Haagmorf, as she consulted an astrology chart to determine if Bella from Byron should get a fake tan.

“My job is to tell you when Venus enters Cancer”

When pressed about the future of research scientists working on a COVID-19 vaccine, Haagmorf foresaw no clear cut arrival time but suggested research scientists ‘finally ask their colleague that question they’ve been burning to ask’ and ‘catch the wave of activity that’s spinning their way.’


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