ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

“Joyses Chroist Moddor Maerey! It’s nhut whut ye wanneh see, nhow uz et?” said the Qantas CEO this morning.

Alan Joyce – and many other Australians around the nation woke to news this monring that Virgin, who was blowing more blue smoke than a fourth-hand Ozito whipper snipper yesterday afternoon, is actually proper old-fashion Ansett fucked.

The nation’s highest-paid executive said his heart goes out to the Virgin staff but stopped short of telling our reporters that he feels the same way about the airline’s upper management.

“No,” he said.

“My heart doesn’t go out to them. But this whole thing is just tragic. Tragic. But I can see some big boys, some JP Morgs or some Morgie Stans gang leading the charge to recapitalise the big bitch. Perhaps even some big RMB gang bullies might have a sniff, if the ACCC will let them play with the big lads here in Australia. The Chinese and I can get a big bag of cans and go sit in a park and work this out. Maybe that soup-taking robot Matthias can join us but he will have to sit on the ground,”

“Ok boys, but you should put in your paper that Qantas is committed to serving Betoota and the wider Diamantina. Ok? You put that in your fooken paper, boys! I’ll catch ya!”

The Advocate reached out to Virgin for comment but were told by a receptionist that administrators from Delloite were already stripping their office walls of their copper wiring.

More to come.


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