Tony Burke Will Detail Immigration Policy Through Original Song 'Go Home (Before I Deport You)' At Press Club Today

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Immigration Minister Tony Burke will perform an original song at the National Press Club today which will detail changes to the government's policy regarding who we let in, who we let stay, and who we tell to fuck off back where they came from.

The song, 'Go Home (Before I Deport You)', was written over the course of a week, according to Burke's office, and features a talkbox solo. The lyrics are matter-of-fact, sources tell The Advocate, and leave little room for a Dylanesque interpretation.

Changes to the number of people coming into the country will be dramatic. Currently, over 300,000 people are arriving each year and fuck all are leaving because Australia rules. That will be cut down to 225,000 over the next five years. There will also be added powers for Burke to personally boot out people he doesn't want here anymore. People who visa-hop, people from OK countries claiming asylum when they should just grow a pair and go home, family members of people here on visas. No rooted old parents of foreigners who have paid no tax here but want to clog up our hospital system, as old rooted people do. Their kids can stay wherever they are, we don't need to educate them. Fewer backpackers as well. Burke's office confirmed numbers of hot backpackers will not be cut. There will also be concessions for farmers to keep the backpackers and big strong blokes from the Pacific Islands coming in. As for the age-old question of who'll look after you when you're old and fucked, workers in aged care will still be allowed to come into the country in bulk. There's also an expected update to the aged care policy where people can just opt to be shot through the forehead by a captive bolt gun like livestock should they not want to enter the aged care system when they reach that old and fucked stage.

People here illegally are also in Burke's crosshairs today. He wants to make people leave even if they don't want to. He will put them on a plane to Dubai, through a new agreement with the UAE, and they'll end up being enslaved by some cosmopolitan Arab government and put to work making things like public infrastructure until they either die or make enough to get back to square one in their home country.

Critics have said the policy changes stink, while sources close to Burke have said it pales in comparison to the pong coming out of Tony's talkbox pipe.

More to come.