Real Estate Agent Not Panicking Yet But Just Opening The Door And Playing On Your Phone Not Really Working Anymore

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

After nearly a decade of frictionless commission-harvesting in the French Quarter, 29-year-old Brayden Dunleavy of long-established local agency Glutoni, Gread & Partners has today conceded that the current property market is "fucked."

For the better part of five years, Brayden perfected a business model that required almost no measurable human output. The benchmark Betoota French Quarter Median Listing Duration sat at around five days throughout the boom, during which Brayden's core professional responsibilities consisted of arriving eight minutes late to an open home, unlocking a door and playing Candy Crush with the volume turned up while ignoring the 40 people. While wearing a Tarocash two-piece covered in cat hair.

"In 2022 I sold a two-bed on Rue de Gourlay without getting out of my car," he said.

"Buyer pulled up, I pointed at the door, he signed on the bonnet. Forty-five seconds flat. On Saturday, I showed a home and two people turned up, asked for the price and then laughed in my face. One even said it was a shithole."

That era, industry data now confirms, is over. The French Quarter median listing duration has blown out to a harrowing 32 days, forcing our town's property class to confront the pagan ritual of selling a house.

Agency principal Lachlan Glutoni-Gread has been forced to implement measures unprecedented in the agency's 63-year history.

"We've had to ask the boys to start doing what's known in the industry as 'follow-up calls,'" he said.

"Actually ringing the numbers on the sign-in sheet. Saying full sentences. Using people's names, not just calling to say they're going to miss out on this property, and the next one and rent forever because they are weak and cowardly and need to get into the market now before they're deemed worthless by our neo-liberal society forever,"

"I had to remember a buyer's name yesterday," Brayden added.

"Greg. Greg something. I called him 'Mate' and he seemed annoyed."

More to come.