Nine Newspapers Sack 30 Journos But Keep The Birdbrain Millionaire Executives That Keep Putting Them In The Shit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

History is repeating itself this week as journos and workers suffer the consequences for executive delinquency down at the newspapers formerly known as Fairfax.

Up to 30 editorial, print and distribution jobs are going at Nine Newspapers and the aloof millionaire executives making that call are citing the "unprecedented interruption of AI" for the job losses.

In a cowardly, online-only townhall girt by C-suite wank, the executives explained to the young workers they were cutting lose to coast the smooth waters of modern life that "AI has snuck up on them" and to "preserve shareholder value" and their own decrepit backsides, they are going for the greater good.

"With the invention of AI just last week, we are unfortunately going to have to make a few changes around here," said some tired old Volvo-driving, terrace house-living fuck from the comfort of their own corner office.

"We didn't see this coming at all. And in light of this recent discovery, we are going to pivot to becoming a digital-first news organisation. We are making our pivot toward the 21st century, even though we are 25.5% of the way through it,"

"This is what isn't on the table today. The Sydney Morning Herald's offices are on a fucking pier in Sydney Harbour. That shit is so cash. Yes, we could move to Parramatta or even Blacktown and save millions of dollars. However, the leadership teams wants to continue mining this extremely profitable niche of essentially being a newsletter for Sydney's elite private schools. Also, we want to keep targeting the inner-city neo-liberal subsect which we can then funnel in from Domain. And you can't do it from those shithole suburbs, so stop pitching stories from anywhere west of the Sydney Fish Markets,"

"And then there's the shop where people can buy cheap hats with our logo on it. That is a key revenue driver for Q4 this year so push them, people!"

The Advocate remains unaffected by AI because it's just fancy Google for people who have no respect for their own humanity. Unless it's the AI in Photoshop that can effortlessly add a ponytail to Barnaby Joyce's head. That is actually pretty good. People have written to say we could use it to proof reed our articles. I'd sooner piss on my own face. It's the same result.

More to come.