Nation Rests Assured That Even If Flights Are Cut Back And Become Too Expensive, We Have A World-Class Rail Network To Get Around On

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australians have been urged not to panic about the ongoing collapse of domestic aviation, with spokespeople from every level of government confirming this week that trains do exist in this country and always have.

"We have trains," said one spokesperson.

"Lovely trains. They are pretty fast in places but for the most part, they travel at a sensible and safe speed."

New South Wales operates its country network on the XPT, a train introduced in 1982 and modelled on the British HST, which is itself no longer in service in Britain. Replacement trains were announced in 2016, contracted in 2019, scheduled for 2023, and are currently described as "in testing," a phrase that has now lasted longer than some marriages. Much of the branch line network that once connected regional NSW was replaced with coaches in the 1980s in a process called rationalisation, which is what governments call things when they want people to stop asking questions.

In Victoria, Premier Jeff Kennett solved the regional rail problem in the 1990s by closing most of it, having described the regions as "the toenails of the state." Victoria has since rebuilt much of the network, which is considered a great success story and not, as some have suggested, a baseline expectation.

Queensland has a train to Cairns. It was closed for several weeks in 2022 due to flooding, which is a thing that happens in Queensland. But they have ones that tilt and make everyone sick and trains with lie-flat beds. It is because we are the envy of the nation in everyway, which is why so many worthless southerners move here.

South Australia once connected the Eyre Peninsula by rail. It does not do this anymore and has not for some time. It's got buses that go on a special track, I guess there's that. There is the Indian Pacific that ferries people who are pretty much dead from Sydney to Perth via Adelaide, and back again. Also, there's the Ghan, which is God's waiting room on wheels, which goes up to the Top End.

Western Australia slows its trains every summer to prevent the tracks from buckling in the heat. This has been happening for thirty years and is described in official documentation as a "heat restriction" and not, as passengers describe it, an embarrassment.

Tasmania ended passenger rail in 1977 and considers the matter closed.

The federal government has been studying high speed rail on the east coast since 1984. Forty years of studies are available to anyone who wants them, and they make for very compelling reading while waiting for a coach replacement service at Dubbo.

More to come.