NAB Cuts 2500 Jobs In Pre-Christmas Gift To Shareholders

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

National Australia Bank has announced plans this week to cut up to 2,500 jobs by mid-2027, delivering an early Christmas present to shareholders at the expense of roughly 6 per cent of its workforce.

Up to 1,500 positions will be eliminated before the end of December, giving affected employees an opportunity to spend the holiday period exploring Australia’s labour market and worrying about their future in general.

The bank described the cuts as part of a plan to reward shareholders, a process which apparently rendering thousands of employees jobless rather than examining how the organisation became the banking equivalent of a Boxing Day poo in the first place.

Management have said the restructure would remove inefficiencies, speed up decision-making and make their nipples very fucking hard.

It remains unclear which departments were going to be whipped the hardest but not doubt they'll probably begin with new Mums returning to the workforce and/or other workers requesting the faintest flexibility in their work hours like everyone else does.

NAB expects to incur a $300 million pre-tax restructuring charge, with the cost of making thousands of people redundant presumably justified by the longer-term financial benefits of no longer paying them. It's stuff you learn MBA school.

The bank also plans to reduce its use of consultants and external contractors, suggesting bosses have finally identified a cost-saving opportunity without needing expensive reports to explain it. Now said reports can go directly into the nearest bin, instead of paying out the arse to know which bin it belongs in.

Bosses say the changes would have no material impact on customer-facing banking roles, because you can't fire self-serve kiosk iPads, you just frisbee them into the Planet Ark bin when they stop working.

NAB cited "rapid technological change" among the reasons for the restructure, which is like trying to achieve autofellatio in a public setting - and failing.

More to come.