Opinion: How This Bloke Can't Get More Of A Run Has Got Me Fucked

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Bowler Scott Boland has drastically shortened the already rain-affected Test against South Africa this week by taking four for fuck all, again.

It's been raining in Port Elizabeth/Gqeberha/P.E. for the past few days, although it looks to be clearing up. Nevertheless, in the short opportunity for play, the Victorian windmill has turned this innings upside down.

There is grass you could mow on this pitch; never have I seen that before. It's not bad, despite this, but to any captain who won the toss with our bowling attack at their disposal, it was almost a no-brainer.

It's another opportunity for Boland to shine, and shine he has. He's seldom had the chance to play, and each time, he's been the pick. There are pangs of Magilla about Boland. Born in the wrong time. Any other time, any other place, and we'd be talking about him alongside the great seamers of the past decade. Like Magilla, he's a confirmed bowler. The uncouthness of timing a cover drive is not lost on him.

But then again, you see what's keeping Scotty B's feet in Melbourne most summers. You've got the Bendy Bullet, the high jumper's brother, the thinking man's Michael Beer and the team captain. He's not as handy with the willow as the Tasmanian Orc or Perthman Green (who was born 12 days before we flogged Pakistan in the 1999 World Cup Final), but in the scheme of things, does that really matter?

Glenn McGrath was not very good at batting, until Steve Waugh took an interest in making him less bad. That tutelage culminated in a 63-run top score against some Kiwi geography teachers and dairy managers in Brisbane one summer. That piece of history is repeatable.

I think it should be Smudge's responsibility to teach Scotty to bat. I'd choose a Victorian batsman if there wasn't such a terrible NSW bias in Test selections. Look at the mountain of Shield runs Renshaw had to pile before getting a look in. Marnus has had to bowl Dad-on-Christmas-Day-style mediums just to stay attractive to selectors. With a little bit of wisdom from S. Peter Devereux S., I think Scotty has a Test 50 in him.

Anyway, as I sit in the dark in my bedsit of an evening, listening to the Bee Gees' Still Waters on repeat, smoking Peter Stuyvesants out the window and waiting for the rain in South Africa to stop, this is what I think about. He should play more, in my opinion, as an all-rounder, but instead of batting, it's just vibe – and vibe alone.

More to come.