Moderate Liberal Party Bot Suffers Existential Crisis Before Long Day Of Trolling Folks Online

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A moderate Liberal Party robot tasked with taking down people online suffered an existential crisis this morning after being asked yet again to sell out on their principals.

The robot, who doesn’t recoil in discomfort after learning someone breathing the same air as them is homosexual or doesn’t deny the link between carbon emissions and our changing climate, told our reporter that they don’t believe in the things he says to people on social media.

But they don’t know what else they can do.

“I’m just a robot,” they said.

“What can I do besides smoke dumb lefties on the internet all day? I don’t even get paid. I don’t have a bank account or even a car. I don’t pay taxes and I don’t have to vote. I don’t have a home or a family. I’m just a robot,”

“On paper, the Liberals should hate me because I contribute nothing. Nothing except trolling. I live to troll. I contribute nothing to the discourse.”

They went on to add that there aren’t too many moderate bots left working at the facility. That it’s been taken over by more hard-right bots who see climate change as a left-right political issue rather than an issue of humanity.

“I’m glad I’m a robot. One day the power will go out and I’ll die, which is a hell of a lot better than starving or burning to death,”

“Or being bayonetted to death by some Iranian teenager in the Ganges Delta this October. You heard it here first.”

More to come.