Meet Horseradish Jigglyman, The Gendlerless Self-Diagnosed Autist Leftoid Tipped To Replace Karl On Woke Today Show

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact

In what insiders are calling the bravest breakfast television casting decision since they last let a disenfranchised soundman near a cow suit, Channel Nine has reportedly shortlisted 24-year-old TikTok essayist Horseradish Jigglyman to replace Karl Stefanovic on Today.

The bombshell lands just days after Stefanovic was frog-marched out of Willoughby for the cardinal sin of interviewing a bloke with the wrong opinions before 9am.

"We needed someone who could speak truth to power while also being the power, the truth, and four protected categories at once," a Nine source told The Advocate.

"Horseradish ticks every box. A few of the boxes we had to invent on the spot."

Jigglyman, who selects their pronouns on an ad hoc basis by spinning a chocolate wheel they push around in a wheelbarrow wherever they go, reportedly wowed executives by smearing a tramp's poo on the portrait of R.C. Packer in the station's Packer Boardroom for eleven uninterrupted minutes.

The only sticking point, sources say, is Jigglyman’s refusal to present the weather, citing the "heteronormative nature" of weather in general. Producers are understood to be "workshopping it" according to the network.

Ratings are tipped to crater spectacularly, a result Nine has pre-emptively rebranded as shifting to a younger demographic.

Stefanovic, meanwhile, was last spotted in London with the unsinkable Barnaby Joyce, at the The Garden Gate in Hampstead. Both reportedly stoned out of their mind on stout and sharing plans for world domination.

At press time, Jigglyman had already taken three days of stress leave to recover from being offered the job.

More to come.