Man Outsourcing All Executive Function To AI Finally Has Use For His Leftover Mercury

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A tummy ache haver from our town's hellish Heights district has this week found some use for all that spare mercury he's been keeping in the garage for the past few years.

So long that Paul Jessop, a marginally employed Uber driver and bicycle courier, can't even remember what he purchased the mercury for in the first place.

The 42-year-old thinks he bought the extremely toxic heavy metal to replace the mercury inside a broken thermometer before learning it wasn't actually mercury that spilled out onto the floor, so it's been on the shelf, he thinks, ever since.

"It's been a real pain," he said.

"Trying to find a use for all this mercury. So I took to AI to help me find a way to get rid of it."

He explained that the Google AI helper warned him against pouring it down the drain or throwing it over an aluminium boat that's been parked on his street for the past six months. It also reminded him that it was not legal to sell a commercial quantity of it on Facebook Marketplace.

"I had a terrible tummy ache at the time," he added.

"So I asked if mercury had any medicinal qualities, and it said yes. It said it would make my tummy feel better, but I wanted a second opinion."

He spoke to his neighbour over the back fence, who's a paramedic.

"Yeah nah, she said it would cure my stomach ache pretty quickly by making it irrelevant to the other pain I'd be feeling," he said.

"She reckons drinking a pint of mercury would collapse my understanding of reality, turn many of my internal organs into a sort of paste, alter my DNA for the worse and largely present me with internal injuries incompatible with life."

"So I guess it's all going in the boat down the street then."

More to come.