Maker Of World's Shittest Cars Announces Australian Exit Because Nobody Is Buying Their Shit Cars Anymore

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Global conglomerate carmaker Stellantis has this week decided to stop selling Fiats in Australia because they have only sold 144 of the fucking things so far this year.

It comes just a month after they decided to stop selling Peugeots because Australians had finally worked out that buying some piece of shit French car when you live in this country is pretty fucken dumb when you think about it. You never saw French people buying the EL Falcon or VE Commodore. Maybe if they did, their country wouldn't be up the shit like it is now.

Stellantis is responsible for letting loose so many dreadful automobiles on this country that many around Australia are dancing on Fiats' grave.

There is Jeep, which is for people who are truly fucked in the head. They are for people who want the absolute worst features of every medium-size SUV in one ugly, obtuse package. The Chrysler Neon, if you remember it, was the ultimate car for the bloke who had given up and was letting life manhandle and disrespect him like a cigarette butt floating down a gutter. If that guy managed to procreate, there was also the Grand Voyager. Once he filled every seat in that misery wagon, he got himself the cheapest vasectomy he could find, which was botched.

Then there's Citroen, which is French for lemon, which is apt. Because they are shit. Whatever the fuck DS Automobiles is, we can just roll it in with Citroen.

Dodge as well. Any used Dodge on the market, sorry. They should be illegal to sell. And a recent study found that 99% of Dodge Ram owners have attempted or achieved autofellatio at some point in their life. That means 1% of them are liars.

People who buy Alfa Romeos new are pretty weird. Italians are good at making flash cars, but their peasant automobiles are fucked. Alfa sits in the middle. Some are flash, some are for people who can't really read very well. Or spell, or use grammar. So maybe I should get one.

Lancia as well, is the automotive equivalent of clonazepam. Nobody knows who buys them, nobody really cares. If you know about them, you either want one or know that people who buy them are space cadets.

There's more that remain uncovered in this article but for now, it's goodbye Stellantis. The mechanics of Australia thank you for your service.

More to come.