SANDY FRASER | Youth | CONTACT
Betoota Heights local Chloe Parker (25) has spent the last few months somehow managing to evade the dreaded mid-winter illness.
When she woke up yesterday morning, however, she immediately knew her time was up.
“I could only breathe through one nostril and it felt a bit like my brain was too big for my skull and was about to explode,” she said.
“So all in all it was already less than ideal. Tbh, I didn’t think it could get worse.”
But following a two word exchange with one of her housemates, Chloe realised the gravity of her situation. Rather than the sultry sick voice she’d envisioned, she had been burdened with one closer to that of Frank Walker from National Tiles.
“It’s terrible. I sound like fucking Albo,” she explained.
“The whole trade off with being sick is that you get to sound really sexy for a few days. There’s literally a whole Friends episode about it. But no. I get stuck sounding like a fucking newsreader, and not in a good way.”
“This is just a nightmare. The Telehealth receptionist person called me Sir. Why me God. Why me.”
“I was planning to call my friends and suggest we go to karaoke tonight. Blow them all away with a rendition of Macy Gray’s “I Try”. Instead I have to hibernate away from humanity until I return to a normal register.”
“I even sacrificed my dignity and tried one of those nasal spray things over the sink. But to no avail.”
“And of course it comes after the love island finale has already been, so I can’t even spend my sick days the right way.”
“It’s just quite literally the worst possible outcome.”
More to come.
