Local Park Cricketer Baffled By Sandpapergate Moral Outrage Given He Gets Reverse Swing After Just Four Overs

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights grade cricketer says the moral outrage around ball tampering has gotten out of control, especially considering he's able to get the ball to reverse before the first drinks break.

Speaking exclusively to The Advocate, Betoota Dugongs 3rd Grade seamer Doug Stanley said that in the Remienko Cup competition he plays in, the ball is often tampered with moments after it's thrown to them by the umpire.

"The first priority is getting the ball carted onto Robertson Road," he said.

"Hopefully over to the other side, so when Mitch or Tom or whoever goes to get it, they can give it a light buffing on the road surface.

"Then when it comes back to Mark at mid-on, he rubs the other side down the front of his shirt, which is covered in sunscreen, then it's buffed on one of his legs.

"By the time it gets back to me, it's moving around corners."

In addition to those revelations from regional third-grade cricket, Stanley went on to say that the ball is often recalled during drinks breaks, when Petey or Lewy gets a key out and runs it down the seam.

"It leaves the seam looking like the Great Dividing Range on a classroom map. I've had balls come out that felt terrible, going down leg, and it's swung back in and missed off. Our keeper has the biggest job on the paddock."

With those admissions now in the open, Stanley explained that the puritan suckholes at Wisden or "wherever the fuck" can get over it.

"Spare me the moral outrage," he added.

"There is not a park in the world where a cricket ball is being bowled that hasn't been inspected too closely. In fact, I'd say the only place it's not happening is in international cricket."

More to come.