7 Candidates Running In The Victorian State Election

PETE CLARK | Melbourne | CONTACT

1. Inner City Socialist

Grew up in an affluent suburb without any financial hardship. Did a PHD at Uni Melb about the history of unions in Australia with a specific focus on the 1998 waterfront dispute. Knows more about Australian politics than all candidates combined. Uncontroversially believes public housing should stay in public hands but is ridiculed about it by the Labor party. Thinks Adam Bandt is a class traitor. Their entire vote share will be absorbed by the Greens. 

2. Suburban One Nation Bloke

Small business owner. Was radicalised during covid. Thinks all the parties are self interested, out of touch and corrupted by money except for One Nation. Has never actually met Pauline but once received an email from her office urging him to cool it on the ‘15 minute city’ stuff. Says he’ll stop the immigrants even though it’s a Federal responsibility. A lot of money has been wasted on his media training because he will probably be disendorsed at the last minute for old tax evasion charges.

3. Western Suburbs Labor Lady

Succeeded the seat from a retiring member who was an absolute titan in the Bracks Government. Competent, capable, outcome focused. Probably would have been a TEAL in another life. This seat has been held by Labor since its creation in the 30’s and is inhabited by some of the last true believers of the Labor movement. She backed Jactinta until the eleventh hour before throwing her weight behind Ben (Airport West) Carrol and if Labor win, she will be rewarded handsomely. 

4. Eastern Suburbs Liberal Lady

Ted Baillieu is her godfather. Pretty much disagrees with everything that the party stands for but thinks Jess Wilson is kind of a slay girl boss. Genuinely believes in lower taxes because has never needed Medicare. Works at a small law practice in Hawthorn. Thinks unions are scary. Drives a Tesla but thinks Musk is “bad for democracy.”

5. Regional National Party Candidate

Probably one of the last Victorian politicians with legitimate ties to the working class. Thinks the whole state has gone to shit.  Is actually pretty well respected within his community. Hasn’t bothered with social media. Probably a good bloke if you can get past the duck shooting stuff. Will probably get absolutely crushed by a One Nation candidate who is still figuring out what a ‘Senate’ is. Kinda looking forward to retirement. 

6. Inner North Greeny

He’s a former public school teacher, hates climate change, loves unionism. Thinks Hawke and Keating sold us out. Corporate greed is the answer to every question. Will probably lose by 0.5% because of the rusted on Italian Labor vote in the electorate. Vocal about the genocide in Gaza. Has a thriving vegetable garden. Is kinda hot. 

7. Rouge Surf Coast Independent

Probably Could have gone pro. Once organised a beach cleanup.  Thinks the community deserves better but falls apart on the details. Friends and family are kind of embarrassed that he's doing this. Didn’t get endorsed by climate 200 so no one will even write a hit piece about him. It is unclear whether he is vaccinated. Used his annual leave for this.