ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A father of two from our town's northern outskirts has this week reset the outer limits of human speed, he did it in a pair of Hush Puppies loafers and boot cut jeans.
Nathan Corcoran, of Betoota Heights, was granted a thirty-minute window by his wife yesterday afternoon while she took the kids to her sisters. He spent the first eleven seconds of it locating his wallet and the remainder of it in full flight toward the Horse's Hoof Hotel just down from his office, where he was hand-timed at 9.61 seconds over a distance later described by onlookers as at least a hundred yards.
This masthead can confirm the mark eclipses the 9.85 run by Lachlan Kennedy at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this week, a time previously considered the ceiling for men of Corcoran's genetic makeup.
Speaking to The Advocate a short time ago, Corcoran was unwilling to accept the accolade nor the attention.
"Do you want a schooner or not? I'm getting a wedge because my mates are drinking too slowly," he said.
"Well come on? I haven't got all day."
Corcoran was seemingly unaware he'd averaged nearly 35kph on foot from his desk to the pub. When informed of this, Corcoran accused this masthead of wasting his precious drinking time.
"What the fuck are you on about? I'm getting you a New and you'll say thank you. And I'll want one in return before you fucking go anywhere too Parker you fucking [slur redacted by legal]."
The barman asked Nathan to not repeat that word, otherwise he'd be drinking in the park with the tramps and Barnaby.
He apologised.
More to come.
