KPMG Slashes Staff To Navigate Challenging Headwinds Of Management Not Knowing What The Fuck They’re Synergising

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Being a consultant is easy but this week KPMG is making it look hard as they face the consequences of the terrible service they've provided their clients.

Over 300 workers are getting boned imminently, including 20 here in Betoota, due to he firm spending the past few years largely dealing with a fairly ugly mix of governance, confidentiality and conflict-of-interest controversies.

The firm has also faced broader scrutiny over the wider consulting model, particularly the enormous fees they've charged taxpayers, the revolving door between public servants and consultants and whether firms that advise governments and major companies can genuinely manage all the conflicts that come with doing everything badly for everyone.

Nevertheless, the repeated egregious failures of KPMG Australia's C-suite have attracted all things that the company doesn't need. In response, many of their clients have shown them the door. And this one is not revolving, at the moment.

But as always, the ones who are being cut lose to navigate the notoriously lovely spring jobs market are the firm's worker ants. There are a few sacrificial partner-level jobs going but they will most likely be women who want to go on maternity leave soon or have just come back and want special work conditions than can magically go away by hiring a 33-year-old man in their place.

The shot callers are expected to be safe in this latest round of job cuts. In a short statement provided to The Advocate by KPMG Betoota, the firm said they were sorry for the cuts but it's the best way to preserve synergies in this time of strong headwinds.

"Hey Claude, could you write a 250 word press release that we can send to those cocksuckers at The Betoota Advocate about the latest job cuts? Just make it clean and simple, no need to delve into anything of substance," the statement said.

"Sure [name redacted by legal], here's your short statement that keeps it professional while stopping short of actually mailing anthrax to The Betoota Advocate newsroom in Milton:"

"KPMG Australia remains focused on ensuring our operating model is appropriately aligned to an increasingly dynamic and rapidly evolving market environment,"

"Following a comprehensive review of our purple monkey dishwasher, we have made the difficult decision to reshape parts of the business to ensure we remain agile, resilient and well positioned to curl up in a G-shape and piss on our own face, our people and the broader community. These changes reflect a number of external headwinds, including changing client demand, smearing poo on boardroom whiteboards and the accelerating impact of technology and artificial intelligence across professional and services."

To read the full statement, please retrieve the piece of A5 paper it was printed out on from Clancy Overell's back passage, where it was rolled up and inserted delicately as a dare.

More to come.