Keir Starmer Immediately Resigns After Learning His Challenger Has An Oasis Accent

SANDY FRASER | Youth | CONTACT

British Prime Minister Keir Starmer is expected to resign as soon as this afternoon. 

Less than two years ago, Starmer secured the largest majority government in 25 years. However, he’s since become rather unpopular with citizens of the UK.  

Despite his humble South London working class roots, it would appear Starmer was swallowed whole by a desire to assimilate with his peers at Oxford, and eventually became devoid of any accent or charisma whatsoever. 

Introducing unfavourable policies while also being incredibly boring is seldom a success story for net ratings. 

This year already, Starmer has had multiple resignation scares, with challengers from last month including Australian born London MP Catherine West. 

However, upon deciding there was no reason to give Aussies living in Clapham any more entitlement than they already have, the PM retained his role. 

Now, however, a new challenger has entered the arena. 

The Mayor of Greater Manchester Andy Burnham recently said he’d be down to challenge Starmer only if he won the by-election in Makerfield in the North of England.

Which over the weekend, he did. 

Since then, he’s been crowned “King of the North’, and has pledged a few additional promises to the British people. 

“I will introduce legislation that not only ensures Oasis are never allowed to break up, but that they must tour every year!” he told a packed room of supporters on Sunday evening.  

“Also, Parklife will no longer be a once a year event. I will personally ensure the festival becomes quarterly, with no change in size, capacity, or popularity of headlining acts!!”

From his prime ministerial apartment in London, Starmer had tuned into Burnham’s livestream.

Shaken by the resounding response of the crowd, he says the path forward became undeniably clear.  

“There is just absolutely no way I can compete with a Northerner,” 

“They are just so much more likeable and friendly. So yeah I’m out. No way no how,”

“I think I will go to the South of France or maybe an island off Spain until this all blows over,” he said, stuffing a few blazers into a duffel bag. 

“Fuck it. Whatever. I missed out on Oasis's last tour so you know what. No worries by me, I’ll be keen to go to that,”

“But let this be a lesson to any other future PMs from down south. At least pretend you sound like David Beckham or Gemma Collins or something.”

After announcing his Uber to the airport had arrived, Starmer got in the car, rolled up the tinted windows and sped away.