Jetstar To Begin Charging Passengers $15 Per Slash And $35 For A Log

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

The more hated half of the nation's airline duopoly has this week confirmed its commitment to the bit.

Fresh off the back of announcing they plan on offshoring a fuckload of jobs, Qantas Group has revealed that their budget airline Jetstar is about to become a lot less budget.

Taking inspiration from overseas, Jetstar have revealed that passengers are now set to be slugged by a raft of fresh new fees in the middle of a juicy cost of living crisis.

Notably, the airline has revealed that passengers will have to pay $25 dollars if they want to bring carryon baggage that is any bigger than a laptop or a small bag (which the wardens will of course be monitoring to make sure its so small you could stuff it down your pants).

The aromatic pile of bullshit with consultancy firm fumes wafting off it was presented as addressing a key concern of passengers - who apparently say that finding room in the overhead locker is there most stressful part of flying...

However, The Advocate can exclusively reveal that it's not only luggage that is about to cost consumers more.

A consultant at one of the big four firms who is paid money to tell companies how they can increase margins (by cutting jobs and jacking up the prices of things at the expense of long term brand reputation and service) explained customers are set to be slugged for depositing bodily fluids on the plane.

In a shocking move, Jetstar are allegedly set to slug people 25 bucks for doing a piss, and 35 bucks for taking a shit on flight.

Even more shockingly, premium economy passengers will be able to have a wank on the flight for a $299 fee.

The new measures are apparently set to be brought in before the end of the year, with major blowback expected.

The blowback will of course be pointless, because our government facilitates the Australian aviation duopoly so sweet fuck all can be done by customers.

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