"I Understand Why They're All Coming To Australia Now" Says Local Man Venturing Outside London's Zone 2 For The First Time

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Queenslander abroad has learned a few things today as he venture outside London's Zone 2 for the first time.

Speaking to The Advocate today via wireless telephone, French Quarter man Tom Perkins said he thought England was actually not as bad as people like to say it is. He admitted shortly after that he hadn't left inner London since he arrived in the developing nation last week.

"Nah, look, it's pretty nice over here now. Pubs are full, people out on the street enjoying the sunshine. It's pretty nice. Easy to get around, good people everywhere. Nah, yeah, I didn't know what all the sooking was about," he said.

"But yeah today we went up to Luton to drop off my mate who I'm staying with, his room mate was going somewhere so we dropped him at the airport then went in and had lunch in Luton and fuck me swinging, what a shithole. I'd never seen anything like it in my life."

Until today, the furthest Perkins had gone north was Emirates Stadium and in the South, he'd been to Clapham Common. East, to Tower Bridge. West to Heathrow.

With his new understanding of Starmer's Britain, Perkins says he's more empathetic to the epidemic of unskilled Poms washing ashore in Australia like an unstoppable algal bloom.

"I mean, you walk around any corner in Australia and there's a Pom. You go to the deepest reaches of the outback, there's a Pom. They're fucken everywhere. They're like Indians or Chinese but, you know, invisible to the average Queenslander. Serious, when I was in London yesterday, I didn't know why you'd leave. It was great," he added.

"But Christ on a bike, this place is such a dump. Everyone is so fucking poor. Shits all falling apart, fucken gangs and people getting fucken killed with knives they're buying from the supermarket. Sure, Queensland's not perfect. We have those problems too but in this shithole, it's so common they don't even make the news,"

"Nah, I get it now. No wonder they're all clambering over themselves like the zombies in World War Z trying to get Australian PR and citizenship. I fucken would be, too. By comparison, Australia is as good as it gets. You know, this has been good for perspective it has, next time I moan about there being too many fat cunt Victorians clogging up Hastings Street of a July afternoon, I'll just tell myself that I should be happy I'm not eating a kebab in Luton. Because this place is hell on Earth."

More to come.