ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Some insufferable cunt from our town’s bohemian French Quarter has made it clear to their friends and perfect strangers alike that they purchased (or leased) their late model Tesla before the marque’s spiritual leader, Elon Musk, began upsetting lefties around the world with his extremely unpleasant South African candor and panache.
After ordering the “I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy” sticker from Etsy, Rue de Branlette architect Frankie Dollarhyde wasted no time in sticking it on the back of his Model 3 Performance while our reporter watched.
“There,” he said as he massaged the last little air bubbles out from under the sticker.
“Now people will stop booting my side mirrors off and scratching ‘MUSK CUCK’ and ‘ELON’S BITCH’ on the boot and bonnet. It’s been hard. I bought this when Elon was like this cool Tony Stark-type guy who was sending people to space and like creating these cool new cars and, like, how he had that flamethrower company and stuff,”
“Now, it’s like, he’s giving us Tesla owners a bad name. I can’t give this up, I paid nearly $90 000 for this and it’s worth half that in two years. It’s literally the worst.”
He let out a dramatic humph and kicked the curb.
A passing motorist saw our reporter and Dollarhyde standing next to the Tesla, so he wound down his window and spat an extremely derogatory and homophobic word at us.
“He obviously didn’t see the sticker,” said Dollarhyde.
However, as our reporter has lived opposite Dollarhyde for nearly a decade, The Advocate can confirm that he was a massive fuckwit before he bought the Tesla.
When he still drove a late-model BMW X3 in 2019, our reporter observed Dollarhyde putting his dachshund’s shit into our reporter’s recycling wheelie bin despite it being inside their gate and four days from bin night.
That same year, Dollarhyde called the police on our reporter’s 50th birthday celebrations which resulted in this masthead’s editor Clancy Overell getting tasered by an over-eager probationary constable. Our reporter was also assaulted with a telescopic baton by a female Inspector, who later apologised. All the while, Dollarhyde stood at his bedroom window, with his dachsaund, watching it all unfold with glee.
Our reporter is also responsible for at least half the damage done to Dollarhyde’s Tesla.
More to come.
