Horseradish Jigglyman Suspended From Nine After Punching The Fuck Out Of Michael Clarke In Noosa Park

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact

The Horseradish Jigglyman era at Channel Nine has ended before it began, after the would-be Today host was suspended on Tuesday for allegedly flattening former Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke during a chaotic afternoon in a Noosa park.

Jigglyman, the disabled, genderless, trans Palestinian essayist who lives with self-diagnosed autism and was tipped to replace Karl Stefanovic only yesterday, had reportedly spent the entire day doing lines of ceremonial-grade matcha and working through a slab of natural wine alongside Clarke when, witnesses say, things turned ugly.

"One minute they're acknowledging shared trauma, the next they’re acknowledging Clarkey's jaw," said a bystander who filmed the whole thing on a cracked iPhone.

“Horseradish kept screaming 'THIS is what intersectionality looks like, fat boy!' while throwing hands like Iron Mike. Pup's head was bouncing off the grass like a speed bag!"

Sources say the influencer connected with such commitment that Clarke briefly slipped into a meditative state of his own, and that Jigglyman only relented when two officers from Queensland Police peeled them off.

Nine has since stood Jigglyman down pending an internal review. At press time, Jigglyman had launched a GoFundMe to sue the police.

More to come.