With 50,000 new cases across the eastern seaboard today, it is now very clear that the Prime Minister is trying to limit the amount of Australians getting tested for Omicron.

Either that, or he’s promised some of Australia’s biggest retailers that he will ensure their God-given right to make millions out of the pandemic.

With both the opposition and dissidents within his own party begging the Prime Minister to please make these Rapid Antigen Tests free to the public, Scotty has held strong and has declared that he will NOT UNDERCUT THE PRIVATE MARKET.

Even the heads of the Australian Medical Association was slapped down in a meeting with the PM, after making the case that free RAT tests are the best way to avoid Australians ignoring symptoms and spreading the virus in the community, because it costs close to 100 bucks to test the average Australian family.

However, Australians have just had to make peace with the fact that the current government is committed to trialing this American-style approach to healthcare, by giving billionaires like Gerry Harvey the opportunity to price gouge these tests alongside their Chinese made furniture and televsions, which in turn lines their pockets with enough cash to fund Morrison’s re-election campaign with front page advertisements on the Daily Telegraph and Courier Mail.

In a glorious example of time-wasting lip service, Scotty From Marketing is expected to take a proposal to national cabinet today for pensioners and low-income earners to apply for money to help them buy their own rapid antigen tests through a highly complicated online portal, according to The Australian newspaper.

However, even this low-effort proposal to help poor people take part in the dystopian nightmare that is Scotty’s ideal private medical system means nothing – because his mates in the private sector can’t get enough RAT tests of shelves.

Pharmacies and retailers around the nation are completely sold out, because Scotty didn’t order enough tests, just like how he didn’t pick up the phone to Pfizer in January last year and forgot to order enough jabs, and just like how he didn’t order enough boosters to roll out across the country 4 months the later.

Australians have once against collectively sighed at yet another Hawaii-sized summer bedshit from Scotty, with many acknowledging that they will have to pay for their RATs themselves, but would love a fucking heads up on where to find them.


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