Extremely-Hungover SuperCheapAuto Employee Groans Pathetically As Local Woman Asks Him To Change Headlight Bulb In Her Completely Rooted 2009 ML320

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local hungover piece of shit let out a muffled groan yesterday afternoon as his manager called him forward for a job nobody wants at the best of times.

Sitting out the front of the SuperCheap Auto in Betoota Heights was Wanda Wilson's completely rooted 2009 Mercedes Benz ML320. The paint is peeling off, the clear coat is gone, the tyres are smoother than the insides of Clive Palmer's thighs. It's blowing blue smoke and the lovely smell of unburnt fuel getting spat on the pavement filled the air. Yet the most pressing issue today was Wanda's headlight, which isn't working, she says.

For the past month, Wanda's been forced to drive around at night with the high-beams on, just to see where she's going. Finally, on Monday, one of her neighbours rang to tell her she needs to get it fixed before she "fucking kills someone".

Which is where Janus McGrath comes in.

Janus went to an illegal rave on Saturday night in someone's woolshed near Windorah and due to that, Tuesday was an extremely rough day for him. The 22-year-old told our reporter he bended through until Sunday evening, when he turned in for the night and woke up on Monday feeling "not too bad".

Yesterday, however, Janus crashed out. Especially around 5pm when the shop was due to shut. At 4:12pm, Wanda spoke to his manager and all of a sudden, a lot was being asked of him at a time when he was capable of nothing, nothing besides converting air into carbon dioxide and transforming highly-processed food into runny poo inside him.

"Janus, mate," said the manager.

"Can you help this lady out? Just swap her headlights out."

Janus knew it wouldn't be easy if his manager was asking him to do it. It wasn't a Prado or a lifted Cruiser. It was going to be an Audi or a BMW or...

"It's a Mercedes," said Wanda.

"A blue one."

Janus let out a very soft groan and his bottom lip dropped. It was getting dark outside and the wind was picking up.

And while Wanda and the manager stood inside, in the warm comfort of the air-conditioned shop, they watched Janus google how to change a headlight in a 2009 ML320, they wanted him groan as the video showed a man peeling the inside trim and using a socket wrench to take the back of the light off, they saw as he squinted hard and bowed his head as it showed two hands, in through the plastic trim installing the lightbulb blind.

The icy desert wind lashed him as he fought the Stuttgart taxi and after 30 minutes, he was no closer to getting the fucking thing back on the road.

Wanda poked her head out of the door.

"Chop chop, fat boy, I've got dinner in the oven!"

Janus bowed his head again and sighed. He closed his eyes and felt something click. He'd done it.

After palm-slapping the last plastic clip into place, he tested the lights. They didn't come on. He groaned again and nearly cried. His manager opened the fuse box and there you go, the fucking thing was blown. They changed it and the lights came on.

"Don't worry about the light, just fix us up for the fuse," said the manager.

"And sorry about Janus, he's fucking hopeless, like every Gen Z I've hired."

More to come.