EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

In news that has surprised absolutely no one, it appears that a man known for roleplaying as blue-collar workers has now found himself in hot water yet again, as it’s revealed that former Prime Minister Scott Morrison is being investigated for secretly giving himself powers to run the health, finance and resources ministries.

Showing that he is well and truly a man of faith, Side Hustle Scotty is alleged to have exercised his Messiah complex or, in his words, ‘his destiny’ and snaked his tendrils into multiple facets of the government in an effort to achieve more autocratic control.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has stated that “This is extraordinary and unprecedented,” calling the alleged appointments “the sort of tin-pot activity that we would ridicule if it was in a non-democratic country”.

Though Morrison had initially refused to comment, he’s once again proven that he just can’t keep his mouth shut, putting on his tried and trusted daggy dad persona to reveal that he’d actually gotten the idea after watching Harry Potter series for the first time – admitting that he’d felt quite the kinship with arguably the most hated HP villain, Professor Delores Umbridge.

“She’s quite smart that Umbridge”, said Morrison.

“I found her rise to power quite admirable.”

Initially being installed as a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher by the Ministry of Magic after Dumbledore was fired, Professor Umbridge appointed herself as a high inquisitor and then Headmistress of Hogwarts, to allow the MoM to monitor and take over the school.

Though Morrison had fallen asleep before watching the scene with the centaurs, (that’s troubling to watch as an adult) he’d still been someone inspired by the political strategy of just accumulating as many positions of power as possible.

An investigation is now pending over the legality of Morrison swearing himself into additional portfolios and if the former prime minister is guilty of breaking a law in contempt of the democratic process.

More to come.


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