Dominic Perrottet Wakes Up, Reads Headlines, Tries To Go Back To Sleep

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Former NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet [EP: sub-editor please check spelling] woke this morning in Washington D.C. and made the error of picking up his phone to check the time.

It was almost 4am, and under the time was a string of notifications from his hometown's premier elite private school gossip rag, The Sydney Morning Herald.

Perrottet is in the US capital working for BHP in some capacity, which is a great job because it's probably one of those bullshit lunch jobs where you just listen to people talk, you talk at them, you facilitate things and you get paid.

But back home, everything has gone to shit and it's been detailed finely in the SMH and that's exactly what Dom thought he should be reading in the middle of the night.

His favourite brother Charlie has been hauled before the ICAC and they've done him like a rolled pork shoulder, covered in sliced Granny Smith apples, with a can of cider in the bottom for that extra sweetness.

"Holy dooley," Dom whispered to himself.

"Charlie's really put himself in the shit here. Oh well, might as well try to go back to sleep for a few hours then."

For the next few hours, Dom stared at the wall, ceiling and floor, before getting up to have a piss. He then decided that he might as well put on his black-on-black Kayanos and go for a jog because this ICAC business is very loud at the moment.

Dom was kind enough to reply to a WhatsApp message from this masthead, where he said that the state's corruption watchdog is funny until it starts nipping at your heels.

"Man, didn't we all laugh when Darryl Maguire was on the stand. How he ran over a dozen phones with his tractor. Fuck me, I laughed. That was so bad, but in the end, Wagga Wagga could hold a successful Commonwealth Games solely because of Darryl's corrupt actions. He was almost completely, besides the Chinese visa stuff, benevolent to his community. I can kind of respect that."

"Which of course has nothing to do with what's going on now."

More to come.