DJs Closure Forces Millennial Parents To Ditch Santa Photo Plans And Go With Old Faithful

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Young parents are scrambling this week after the nation's last great monument to Protestant consumerism has disappeared up some hedge fund's back passage, leaving many wondering how they're going to find adequate Santa pictures for their children.

The common Westfield Santa is just not the same. They're the festive equivalent of an airport toilet. There is nothing more dehumanising for a grown man than to line up to do a poo. When you finally arrive at the front of the line, you find a Santa that's worn out, warm and ready for a Rothmans Red in the loading dock as they let out all the broken wind they were forced to reabsorb. The Westfield Santa is the Mitsubishi Magna with the clearcoat peeling off it. The DJs Santa is the Holden Caprice or Ford Fairlane. It's now gone forever.

Myer is strictly for Catholics and Jews, according to local father of two under three, Peter Cadwallader, so finding a replacement Santa this year is proving more difficult than he expected.

"Is this what the so-called 'Mental Load' is about? I've searched high and low for a new Santa. We got the email this morning that the Betoota Heights David Jones is closing their doors tomorrow. It's quite stressful. But I've got a stopgap solution that my wife is going to hate," he said.

"A return to 'Old Faithful', as I like to put it."

The 'Old Faithful' that Peter is referring to is the reclining Ronald McDonald statue outside his restaurant over the road from the Betoota Heights Westfield.

As one of the finest purveyors of colon cancer and immediate regret across the nation, McDonald's has long provided fibreglass decorations out the front for children to climb on and enjoy a picture with.

"We'll just get the kids next to Ronald and that'll have to do this year," Peter added.

"My wife hates Maccas, so I can feel like this is already going to be received poorly. She's got all these problems. Bloody FODMAP, gluten-free, pescatarian sometimes. I remember once on a road trip, I went to pull in and she went off like we were about to drive off a cliff. But what am I to do?"

"Use a Westfield Santa? A Myer Santa? I'm no rockchopper. I remember when it was Grace Brothers. You could buy any sofa set you wanted, as long as it was in Papal Burgundy!"

More to come.