Disappointment As DNA Confirms Clicking Slip Chungus Is 0% Australian

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The chungus at the centre of cricket's biggest controversy this week has released his DNA ancestry results after certain sections of the media accused him of being Australian.

Grainy footage of one incident has gone viral but remains largely inconclusive as to guilt. The batsman's reaction would indicate that he is suggesting someone made a noise in the slips as the ball passed the bat.

Saltburn Cricket Club has today stood down the individual who stands accused of clicking his fingers as the ball passed by the bat, creating a sound that umpires have allegedly misheard as an edge.

Reaction has been severe, with the British media calling for an immediate review of all potential incidents and opposition batsmen have been urged to come forward with their own stories of playing Saltburn.

However, for Slip Chungus, one slur has irked him more than others. He spoke briefly to The Advocate today via WhatsApp.

"I can handle being called a cheat. I'm innocent, my conscience is clear. I'm taking down names and I'm going to take them all to the cleaners," said the big fella.

"But the accusation that I might be Australian? That is simply beyond the pale. I am a native Yorkshireman. I've had my DNA done and it confirms it. I'm 100% English. No splash of anything else. Not even a bit of French. Not a drop of Norman blood in me,"

"So you can bugger off with this Aussie rubbish. I'm not a cheat, either. I'm a gentleman."

The Advocate reached out to Saltburn Cricket Club for comment but has yet to receive a reply.

More to come.