Commonwealth Receives Quadrennial Reminder They Are That Shit

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Australians are giving it to the rest of their Commonwealth brothercousins in Scotland this week as our athletes seemingly pillage medals in every Comm Games sport and discipline.

As we go to print this afternoon, we have won 39 medals, including 17 golds. England is in second, with a pathetic 19. Of which just for are golds.

While these Commonwealth Games were supposed to be going on right now in "Regional Victoria", the mood remains high in the Australia camp and one team organiser said they plan to win every available medal in the next week or so.

The result is further evidence that besides Australia, the rest of the Commonwealth is no good at swimming and athletics. Espeically India, who you'd think would be good at a few things but it's just cricket. Where we are already their fathers. Their results here cement Australia as both mother and father of India. If things continue the way they have, then Australia might as well be the polcieman of India, those ones that carry the big whacking sticks to control crowds. Imagine if we had those in Australia. Those big cops in the boiler suits, with a good length of 40mm dowel. Coat of varnish on it. You'd think twice about mouthing off to a cop if they had one of those. One minute your dying your head blue for the protest, they next you've got a bit of dowel clapping your earhole and on the other end is some VFL reject with peptide brain and forearms with thick, garden hose-like veins popping out of them, whacking you as hard as he can.

It's understood by The Advocate that US President Donald Trump is mulling re-entry into the Commonwealth for the sole purposes of dominating the Comm Games, a move that has been met with friction on both sides.

More to come.