Coles, Woolies To Charge For In-Store Air Due To Iran Conflict

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation's two largest supermarket chains have today confirmed that shoppers will soon be charged a per-minute tariff for breathing on the premises, citing ongoing instability in the Strait of Hormuz as the reason behind the new cost-recovery measure.

The announcement, delivered jointly from a press conference in the carpark of the Betoota Heights Westfield, sent a ripple of resigned acceptance through a crowd of locals who had long suspected this day was coming.

A Woolworths spokesperson, sweating anti-socially beneath a polyester green gingham shirt, explained that the Ambient Atmospheric Surcharge was a regrettable but necessary response to forces entirely beyond the duopoly's control.

"We've done everything we can to shield families from this," he told our reporter.

"But at the end of the day, when Iran sneezes, the Australian consumer catches a cold. And that cold, unfortunately, has to be priced in. Many of you might not realise but much of your super is probably tied up in Woolworths shares. Which are up 40pc in the past 6 months so you're really helping yourself here."

Shoppers will reportedly be issued a small adhesive meter at the entrance, which tracks breathing rate and depth, with premium pricing applied to anyone caught sighing audibly when all the shepherd avocados left are hard like shiny green diamonds or inhaling sharply at the price of dishwashing tablets.

Coles has already flagged a loyalty-tier version of the scheme wherein Flybuys members can accrue points toward free inhalations.

"This is about giving value back to our customers," a Coles executive added.

"If you're a Flybuys member, every breath you take in one of our stores is working harder for you. We think that's something Australians can really get behind."

More to come.