Christ! Leftie Wife Blowing Up About Gettin' The Little Fella Some Rafferty's Garden Again!

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact

A local man has paid the price for just trying to do the right thing this week after coming home from the shops with some shelf-stable meals for the little man.

However, as he was ready to drift off to bed last night after a great evening of playing with his phone while commercial TV blared in the background, Betoota Heights father-of-one Paul Sutherland was put on blast for once again bringing "Rafferty's FUCKING Garden" into the family home.

Paul's bleeding-heart wife, Cashew Sutherland, does not like Rafferty's Garden because if it's able to remain edible being on a shelf for months on end, it must be full of some pretty ordinary shit.

On top of the utter convenience that is extended pantry storage, Cashew claims that Rafferty's Garden products are full of sugar and designed by "cunts in lab coats" to be addictive so kids always ask for them.

Speaking to The Advocate this morning as he vaped in the sun outside our shared office block on Daroo Street, Paul said it wasn't the first time and it probably wouldn't be the last time he'd crumble for a pouch of toddler ciggies.

"Oh mate, you'd think I ran over the cat coming in last night the way she went off at me," he said, taking a deep suck of his Cherry Ice.

"Seriously, if they were that bad for kids, they wouldn't be allowed to sell them. And back when I was a kid, I'd be dismantling a packet of Nerds like a fucking cockatoo going at a walnut. Seriously."

"And the little fella loves them. I got him those yoghurt buttons and he pumped the whole bag and screamed for more. He done [sic] eat much so I was happy for him to have the whole bag. It's only a bit of yoghurt, isn't it? Well, it's yoghurt in puck form. Easier and less messy for their little hands."

Paul took another, uncomfortably deep honk on his vape and held it in.

"Mate, she fucken blew up deluxe. She reckons I gave him like 85 grams of sugar for dinner. That I fed him, bathed him then palmed him off to her for bedtime and he's jumping and swinging about the room like P!nk!" he added.

"Can't fuken do nothing right, I can't. She reckons caring about nutrition and being a leftie aren't related but there's a pattern I've noticed, eugh, sorry,"

Paul then let out arguably the wettest cough our reporter had heard since COVID.

"Fuck me, I've gotta give this shit up."

More to come.