Brisbane Renovation Capped Off By Painting Every Fucking Surface Dulux Lexicon® Quarter White

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Latent boganity is spreading this week across our state as yet another renovation and/or new build in the City of Brisbane has been capped off with an over-generous lathering in fucking Dulux Lexicon® Quarter White.

It is fucking everywhere in that town and it's spreading.

Up and down the coast, there is only one option to paint both the inside and outside of your house. Painters say you can have any colour you want, as long as it's Dulux Lexicon® Quarter White. From the Tweed all the way up to Noosa River, you cannot escape it. If you renovate a Queenslander, to paint it any other colour is a criminal offence and you will rot in Wacol for daring to be different.

Closer to home, the trend has failed to take off but, like bird flu, it's coming and when it gets here, it won't be pretty.

Local man Wally Rutherford recently went down to Brisbane for the weekend and he and the family stayed in a short-term rental on the city's northside. He spoke of how the house, in the delightful south-east apricity, burnt his retinas like he'd just looked at the forbidden light of an arc welder.

"Everything was Dulux Lexicon® Quarter White. Even the fucking door handle was painted with it," he said.

"When we finally got inside, the ceiling, walls and floors were all painted with it. I was getting vertigo, I didn't know what was up and what was down. A featureless room with no seams or corners. It's just fucking white!"

Our reporter spoke to the owner of an Ascot property that is now whiter than Royal Queensland Golf Club (where they are blackballed) about why they did that to a perfectly good house.

"I have no idea why I had them paint every fucking surface white," they said.

"It's just a compulsion. It's the innate northside urge to turn large sums of money and an innocent Queenslander into the most horrifically ugly monument to why Brisbane City Council needs a kick up the arse when it comes to heritage protections."

More to come.