Bloke Wakes Up From A Ten Year Coma To Learn That A Tallie Sets Him Back More Than A Six Pack Used To

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

There have been scenes of joy and confusion at Betoota Base Hospital this week, after local cabinet maker Jerry Mason (33) wakes up for a ten year coma.

After being hospitalised with a major bacterial infection that he picked up while travelling abroad in 2016, the then 23-year-old tradesman has missed a bit.

Today, there were tears, smiles and hugs and after Jerry finally awoke to a heartwarming family reunion.

"Jeez how long was I out for?" he asks.

After being given the run down on his very abnormal but now seemingly resolved medical predicament, Jerry began asking questions about what he'd missed.

"Wait, Donald Trump didn't actually win did he?" he asks.

"Are you kidding? I thought that bloke was just gonna be a flash in the pan"

Jerry's family then had the difficult task of explaining all of the major historical moments that have taken place in the last ten years that he was comatosed.

"What. A pandemic? Like an outbreak?" he asks, in utter confusion.

"They made everyone stay home? What for? Was it like Zombies or something?"

Jerry then decided he'd had enough of the modern history.

"Lets go have a few beers"

With full clearance from the doctors, Jerry and his loved ones made there way to the local bottle shop.

That's where he made the horrifying discovery that everything fucking costs more than three times as much as it used it.

"Wow, wow, wow! What the fucks going on!?" says Jerry, as he confronts the most alarming changes to Australian society over the last ten years.

"A tallie cannot cost that much. It feels like I paid that muchfor a six pack of TEDs just yesterday"

As Australian politics continues to free-fall into fringe culture wars, the Labor Government cannot for the life of them figure out what it is that has everyone so stirred up.

While admitting that they must now do something about the housing crisis, it still appears lost on the Treasury that the once crucial 'public house' is also out of reach.

As Jerry has just learnt, Australian beer generates more tax revenue than the entire gas resource sector thanks to the Australian beer excise - which is a volumetric tax applied to alcohol content.

"Wait. So do people just not drink beer anymore?" asks a heartbroken Jerry.

"Guess I'll just stay at home and scroll on this new TikTok thing"