Albo To Address The Nation From Brunei Tonight Where He's Expected To Say That Despite Appearances, Everything Is Not Fucked, Yet

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister has jumped in the roundyard this morning with the stroppy mickey bull that is the ongoing fuel crisis as one of the nation's key oil refineries catches on fire overnight.

Tonight at 6pm, Anthony Albanese will again demand the national attention via a simulcast on each television channel where he's expected to say, in traditional Brunei dress complete with a Rabbitoh's themed songkok, that despite appearances, everything is not fucked, yet.

Government insiders have confirmed to The Advocate today that acting Prime Minister Richard Marles, who is member for the Geelong area, was informed of the fire shortly after 11pm last night.

Marles was in his hotel room at Canberra's Park Hyatt Hotel, playing SingStar ABBA on his PlayStation 2, when his chief of staff and security personnel arrived at his door.

"They know not to interrupt him when he's got SingStar fired up," said the source.

"Especially knowing inside that he's in the throes of 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'. But it was an emergency. We understand that he took the news well. He went back to the office immediately, which was nice, I guess."

However, with news that the Prime Minister is set to deliver some unsettling updates, the government wants us to know that we have leverage with our Asian brother cousins to the north.

"We essentially give them gas for free, which they fucking love, so they kind of owe us to keep the fuel coming. So it's not proper fucked right now, it's just a little bit fucked," the source added.

"So don't worry, just get the bus and demand the government send home our economic chaff like most British people and other worthless immigrants working bullshit email jobs. Time to go back to Slough, champion."

More to come.