12 Ancient Used-Car-Buying Rituals That Really Shouldn't Have Survived This Long

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Buying a used car in this country is less a transaction than a ceremony. Somewhere along the way, a series of unwritten rules crept into the process. Rituals nobody agreed to, nobody enjoys, and nobody can quite explain the origin of. And yet, generation after generation, we keep performing them. We bring the guy who "knows about cars." We nod along in the glass office. Below are the twelve most enduring of these rituals, ranked roughly in order of how much of your Saturday they'll cost you.

Compiled with the support of Carma

1. The Chaperone

You cannot possibly go alone. You must bring someone who "knows about cars." It does not matter that they know roughly the same three things you do. Their presence is required, like a support animal, to project the impression that you cannot be easily fooled.

22. The Holden Captiva

You have $9,000 and a dream. You will be shown a 2011 diesel Captiva. Or a Cruze. Or any modern Holden that is not a Commodore. It is, on paper, a bargain. You will be told "it's a great Aussie SUV." It needs a new engine. It will need it in eleven months. Just a few weeks after you put four new tyres on it.

3. "Just Looking, Thanks"

A phrase you have rehearsed in the car. A phrase you believe will grant you immunity. A phrase that is, in this place, treated as the opening line of a longer conversation. "Mate, what are you driving at the moment, mate? Just that RAV4? Pfft.. How 'bout trading that in for this Jeep Cherokee?"

4. Euro Hell

A 19-year-old apprentice spots a 2008 BMW 3 Series for $11,500 and feels, for the first time, like a man of means. It does, in fact, drive like a dream. Until the first service quote arrives and his entire savings account is liquidated by a single sensor on the German parts website. A rite of passage.

5. Add-ons and Extras

You think you are done. You are not. The price has been agreed. The negotiation is over. A winner has been declared. Unfortunately, you have now entered the Bonus Round. New "must have" extras appear. Paint protection. Insurance for your insurance. A mysterious package called "Tyre & Rim." Your $18,000 car now costs $24,000. You can't explain exactly how this happened.

6. The Manager Who Doesn't Exist

Your offer must be carried, solemnly, to a back room to "see what can be done." There sits a figure of immense power, never seen, never named, who alone may decide whether you get $400 off a Corolla. The answer is no. It will be no four more times. It becomes yes at 4:55pm, for reasons never disclosed. A noble negotiation, definitely worth 8 hours of your life.

7. Someone Else Is Also Very Interested

A mysterious second buyer, never seen, never named, has been "looking at this exact car all morning." They are about to call back. You must decide now. Otherwise, you might never see this 2015 Toyota Kluger ever again and you'll find yourself thinking about it in random idle moments like your first love, who left you.

8. The Lap 'Round The Block

You are entrusted with $35,000 worth of machinery for the duration of one (1) suburban roundabout, on a road the dealer chose, with the dealer in the passenger seat making small talk so you can't hear the engine. You are then expected to make a seven-year decision that could have intergenerational consequences to your unborn children and your children's children.

9. The Trade-In Reveal

You believe your car is special. You washed it every second Sunday for nine years. You replaced the cup-holder insert yourself. In your heart it is worth $14,000, and you have told people so. You are offered $6,200. It is, devastatingly, the correct number. It is a hatchback with 190,000km. You have always known this. The paint is coming off, the tyres are balder than Molly Meldrum and it's overdue for a service. Come on now.

10. The Glass Office

At the critical moment you are led into a small glass office in the centre of the showroom. Glass walls. Glass door. You will sign for the largest purchase of your year inside a transparent box, watched by strangers, like a reverse aquarium. You will then watch the next person do it. No one knows why the office is glass. The office has always been glass.

11. No Returns

You buy a car, you take it home. You look at it on your driveway and decide it's hideous. It happens. Usually you're stuck with it, but not with Carma. If this happens, you've got a week to give it back. And they won't be dirty about it either. Try taking a car back to a dealership or a private seller. Good luck.

12. The Threat

A Sydney mob called Carma has, alarmingly, started selling used cars on the internet. Wild. The cars are inspected and reconditioned by a process backed by the NRMA. The price is the price. You've got seven days to see if it's right for you. If it's not, return it for a full refund. There is no glass office. No ghost buyer. You can even get it delivered.