ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Royal New Zealand Navy (RNZN) has responded to the presence of a Chinese naval task force with the deployment of a two-man inflatable canoe.
The vessel, operated by naval reservists Roy McAllister and Duncan McGregor, was spotted paddling towards the Chinese fleet early this morning. Equipped with a UE Boom blasting Don’t Dream It’s Over, the men were armed with a chilly bin of Speight’s and a firm handshake, relying on their classic Kiwi friendliness as their most potent weapon. They were also severely sunburnt but in good spirits.
Defence Minister Judith Collins said the operation was a “measured and appropriate response” to China’s recent live-fire exercises in the Tasman, which forced commercial flights to divert.
“We take our security seriously,” said Collins.
“The government considered getting one of our Smith & Wesson .38 Detective Specials out of the bank and giving it to them. But we didn’t want to go nuclear right away. So we gave them a crate of beer, two vapes and some emergency rations (cold meat sandwiches). They were able to complete the mission and shoo the Chinese away. We can’t afford to lose another big ship.”
The remark was widely interpreted as a reference to HMNZS Manawanui, which ran aground and sank off Samoa last year.
As McAllister and McGregor neared the Chinese fleet, reports emerged that one of the warships issued a warning over radio. However, the message was allegedly ignored due to the pair being mid-yarn about the National Provincial Championship and how McAllister’s Southland weren’t as good as McGregor’s Canterbury.
Military analysts say the Chinese task force is unlikely to be deterred by the inflatable destroyer, but acknowledge that the Kiwis’ laid-back diplomacy is a refreshing change from traditional naval posturing.
As of this afternoon, the canoe had turned back towards the mainland after McGregor dropped an oar and his vape in the drink.
More to come.
