US President and historical figure your grandchildren will get in trouble for impersonating at a fancy dress party, Donald Trump, has reportedly reached out to the Australian Prime Minister in a heartfelt plea to understand how the US can be better at ripping immigrant children from their families.

The US Government, who is currently offering enforcing a refugee amnesty policy of ‘pulling young children from their families and isolating them without human contact’, has spoken out about looking to other places around the world for inspiration, and have cited Australia’s offshore detention centres as something they really aspire to emulate.

“We looked all around the world to see what other places are doing. The Phillipines, Turkey, Nazi Germany. But it’s Australia that really does it right”, said Trump in a series of 3am tweets.

“I call upon Mr. Turnbull, the President of Australia, to share his wisdom and knowledge about how we can be better and more efficient at making sure young immigrant children are frightened for their life and really don’t know if they’ll ever see their mom or dad again”.

Mr. Turnbull, in response to the tweets, has spoken about his pride in Australia’s detention policy, and how the fact that Mr. Trump is asking specifically for their insight is a testament to the efficiency with which Australia breaks immigrant families apart.

“I am very grateful for Mr. Trump’s comments, as it shows that even internationally, Australia is seen as a world leader in creating concentration camps for defenceless people looking for a better life. Having Mr. Trump’s support is a huge vote of confidence for us, as I am sure history will remember him very kindly.”

Mr. Turnbull has reportedly accepted Trump’s request for insight, and has sent Australian Immigration Minister Peter Dutton to the US to act as an adviser.

I hope Peter doesn’t mind” said Turnbull.

“But he hasn’t exactly been busy”

“There haven’t been any 2nd-generation Lebanese people convicted for anything recently so he’s been a bit light on headlines…”

“Except for Salim of course, but we can’t deport politicians… Deadset, do you reckon Barnaby would still be kicking around Tamworth if I’d had that option”

Dutton arrived in Washington this morning with a short list of effective measures that Australia has very successfully implemented in enforcing the policy. The Betoota Advocate has obtained a copy of this list – it is presented verbatim, in full, below.

  1. Make sure they’re brown. Some of those white refugees are good people going through some very difficult time, and we should really try and help them out, except for the Kiwi bikies.
  2. If they are brown, make sure they’re not Christian. Some of those browns are good ones. Might be a bit difficult with these God-loving Mexicans though. Muslim Mexicans would be the easiest to deport.
  3. Make sure when you take their children away from them, you don’t tell them if or when they will ever see them again. This is very important – everyone knows that if someone thinks they’ll never see their child again, they are much more likely to return home and continue living in dire circumstances.
  4. For the children, it is important to make sure they still have some fun. The occasional single meal shared across 6 kids can make for a fun little game of “who gets to eat today”
  5. Make sure the family you are tearing apart aren’t well-loved members of an Outback community, or else you will have a 60,000 signature petition waiting for you the next morning.
  6. Finally, and this is perhaps the most important point – enjoy yourself!


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