Well-Off But Ultimately Useless Young Man Confirms The Only Sport He’s Watching This Weekend Is The Ryder Cup

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Despite an avalanche of high-stakes football on offer across the nation this weekend, including the AFL Grand Final, the NRL prelims and even a Bledisloe Cup clash across the dutch, Whooton School old boy Ruteger Van Reegan, a 38-year-old man with nothing to show for it, has today confirmed that the only sport he plans to watch is the Ryder Cup.

The well-off but ultimately useless man says he “just doesn’t really like with footy anymore” preferring instead to sink into the familiar embrace of televised golf, a sport that requires as little personal exertion as his own career trajectory.

Since graduating from Betoota’s most exclusive, leafy and expensive boys’ school 20 years ago, Ruteger has achieved very little beyond mastering the art of surviving in his parents’ Betoota Grove mid-century home for nothing. His vague line of work is best described as “something in sales” and/or “finance” though he’s unable to clearly explain what he actually sells.

Much like his job, his social life has remained unchanged since Year 12. He and the same handful of Whooton mates can still be found at The Royal Hotel on Friday nights, bellowing into schooners and pretending it’s still 2003.

“Rutz always been a golf guy,” said fellow Whooton alumnus James “Hoggo” Hogarth.

“Mainly because his Dad was a big wheel down at Royal Betoota before the cart accident.”

Another mate, Mervyn “Fat Poof” Chalmers, told our reporter, “We’re proud of him, honestly. Takes real guts to do absolutely nothing for two decades. That’s consistency. I’ve got a degree at least.”

While the rest of the country debates Lachie Neale’s impact in the midfield, whether the Broncos can stop Nathan Cleary or if the Wallabies can finally win at Eden Park, Rutegar will be in the family rumpus room tonight, pretending that Europe versus the USA is a cultural battle that somehow involves him. He will be full of piss, steak and his boat shoes will be up on the coffee table.

More to come.