ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Government has enjoyed unilateral support this morning from their parliamentary rivals as they ordered every private school in Australia to close for the foreseeable future.

This morning in Canberra, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said that parliament had a “duty of care” in protecting the future leaders of the nation.

“From today, every private school in Australia will pull up their drawbridges,” said Morrison.

“We need to protect the nation’s private school students because they are the leaders of tomorrow. They will one had inherit the power, wealth and influence of Australia and exposing them to unnecessary dangers like coronavirus is simply out of the question,”

“Public schools will remain open in part because they have a stronger constitution and of course their expendability as a social class. Their immune systems are stronger because of their love of public transport. Back in my day, the public school kids used to lick windows on the bus as some sort of joke – and they’d tense up their tongue to look like a budgie’s one and they’d push the stop button with. Yuck! Fascinating creatures but their immune systems are hardier than the Taliban, I tell you what!”

Closer to home, The Whooton School for Boys in Betoota Grove has followed the government’s instruction.

Principal Allan Roland-Jones said that while Whooton boys try to live their lives under the School’s three principals of panache, pride and penile cognisance, he understands that safety must come first.

“The boys have already had to endure the disappointment of having their organised sport being cancelled, now they cannot gather each day in fraternal excellence?” he sighed.

“It truly is a ghastly illness, isn’t it?”

“May God have mercy on Whooton.”

More to come.


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