ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
An inner-city lunatic has taken time out of his busy schedule to ask an invisible man who lives in the clouds to stop the bushfires that continue to burn out of control across New South Wales and Queensland.
Scott Morrison, a man most famous for performing the duties of the Prime Minister under the stage name, ScoMo, spoke briefly to God today and his polite, happy-go-lucky son Jesus about their role in stopping these fires and bringing peace back to the regional communities.
“I have spoken to Him,” said Mr Morrison.
“And He’s hearing what I’m saying. He’s hearing the people of NSW but He’s got a plan that may or may not involve more houses and lives being lost. You never know with this bloke,”
When asked by reporters in Sydney today who he spoke to, Scott scrunched his face and went on the attack.
“Give me a break! Him! Our creator who lives in the clouds and gave His only son to take our sins! I swear to Andrew H Ettinghausen! The next person to try and score political points on this tragedy is going to get it!”
Mr Morrison composed himself and let out a long breath.
“Look, all you can do is ask Him to wooo nellie back on the heat and the flames. That’s all you can do now. What else can you do? Do any of you apartment-dwelling light-rail-riding Ultimo Kremlin smartcard-swiping heathen cunts have any better ideas?”
The silence was broken by a Sky News reporter dropping to the floor, his eyes rolled back in his head. His contorting, writhing body bucked as he began to speak deeply in tongues.
“He’s got the right idea,” said ScoMo as the rest of the media scrum rushed to undo the tongue-speaking reporter’s tie and move idle furniture away.
“Let it out, son. We’ll get these fires under control!”
More to come.