Report Finds Champagne Towers The Most Boring Yet Expensive Part Of A Wedding

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact

Researchers from Australia’s peak hospitality body have today released findings of a year long report looking into how the humble matrimonial ceremony between two lovers has become a giant money sucking black hole for the couple as well as their guests.

The report called out a number of obvious inflationary con-jobs like florals, bonbonniere (those unnecessary personalisations that you find crushed in your coat pocket one year later), and increasingly delusional wishing well expectations that have secretly become the way to weed out your cheapskate friends.

However, according to the report, the biggest waste of time and money is the ‘champagne tower’, an activity that’s basically like watching someone fill up a water bottle but in slow motion.

What used to be reserved for fanciful worlds like Gatsby, has now made its way into everyday people’s weddings and, as the report states, no one really cares about them.

“Even the bride and groom get bored while they’re pouring the champagne,” said the lead researcher.

“We’re not sure how they became so prevalent, especially considering 99% of wedding guests say they’re awkward and boring to witness, and 98% of couples said they would have preferred to redirect the money towards another 5-10 wedding guests”

Suspiciously, the one group who appears to actually welcome the rise of the champagne tower is the champagne producers, who refused to comment on the report’s findings but were seen high-fiving in their warehouses.

More to come.