Recent Events Inspire Local Man To Make Sure He's Always Carrying A Bit Of Cash On Him

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

With the personal data of billions potentially compromised by tech CEOs getting honeytrapped by sexy foreign agents, and global software companies crashing without warning - it seems that modern society might be a bit too reliant on technology.

Furthermore, every single flight is being grounded across America while enormous ships crash into each other in the very metropolitan mouth of the Mississippi River.

In fact, the whole world's gone mad.

That's according to local grandfather, Ken Soorley (67, Betoota Downs) - who has made a vow to himself this week to always have enough cash on his person to last him at least a week in the event of societal collapse.

"You need enough to buy a weapon, or get a ride interstate... If you need to" says Ken, as he taps into his inner Mad Max.

"I mean, we can't bloody rely on these computers anymore. Turns out they are even more fragile than ink and paper"

Ken says that these global tech vulnerabilities should've been flagged twenty years ago, when nerds started becoming billionaires.

"We were always taught that the meek would inherit the earth..." he says.

"We just never knew they'd be sitting ducks for good looking Chinese girls"

However, Ken remains confident that his generation will be fine when the computers get turned off.

"This is how we used to do it" he says.

"There was no tap and go. No ATM in the corner of the pub. You carried as much cash as you needed in the foreseeable future"

"So, with today's inflation, an empty tank of fuel and an empty fridge, I'm gonna have to draw out a couple grand. That should see me through until Sundee at least"