REPORT: Referring To Parents By Their First Name Is Creepy And Weird

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A new study by the University of Queensland has found that people who only use first names when referring to their own mum and dad are not normal.

UQ Professor Roald Blyton says that of the 4000 people surveyed, those who used the terms of ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ were 95% less likely to join youth-oriented political parties, and were content in living in sharehouses during their twenties.

“The other batch, people who refer to their parents as though they are close friends, are the type of people that have very specific coffee orders in high school, and criticise their own generation for being bludgers,” he said.

“If you ever see someone order a scotch while watching a football match, you can almost guarantee that they refer to their parents as Pete and Janette, not mum and dad,”

“I’m not talking about the type of person who uses their old man’s first name when they are trying to wind him up. I’m talking about the people who make a point of not saying ‘Dad’ because they want to look sophisticated.”

However, local man Hugo Hildebrand (27) disagrees. He says he has been referring to his mum and dad by their first names since primary school and doesn’t believe that he is any different to his peers.

“It’s rubbish, I am just like any other generation X – I just choose not to be childish and refer to my parent’s by their Christian, given names. What am I? A baby?” said Mr Hildebrand with whiney voice very reminiscent of Christopher Pyne.

“Sure, I might not really enjoy listening to music… and sure, some people might think that my love of birdwatching is a bit peculiar. But I am no creep!”

The groundbreaking report was conducted in partnership with the Betoota Brewers Co-Op [BBCO], an organisation aimed at helping young people gain access to the same financial opportunities as their parents.

“What we wanted to find out was why some young people pretended that they were living the same lives as their parents,” says BBCO director, Dane Leeston.

“The financial insecurity faced by young Australians is not an issue for these people, because their parents, who they are very close friends with, allow them to live alone in one of their investment properties,”

“Anyone who shies away from saying mum and dad are so concerned about appearing grown up, that they are missing out on actually growing up,”

“Every young person needs to experience waking up on the kitchen floor of their sharehouse with no car keys, wallet or phone – or having to miss paying rent because they got a bit carried away of the pokies.”