Local Woman Relieved As Boyfriend Commits To Novel Strategy Of Investing In Something Other Than 8 Leg Multis

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Betoota Heights woman Sally Nixon has today received some welcome news courtesy of her now officially medium term boyfriend. 

The generally well liked and loveable but frequently dopey local man delivered the news in the form of an official investment strategy update to his main shareholder. 

After the better part of a decade trying to get rich fast by pissing away his pay cheque on slow horses and tryscorers that consistently shit the bed whenever he bets on them, Sally’s bf Andy Robertson has finally made the crucial pivot. 

Robertson has pleased his better half by confirming that he’s moved from 8 leg multis on Croatian handball and horse tips from a mate’s dad who used to dope greyhounds back in the day - to putting his money into an actual investment app. 

“Yeah, downloaded Pearler last night babe, I think it’s time,” he laughed. 

“I know my previous investment strategy wasn’t to your liking, so I’ve made a ‘robust and targeted change to diversify my portfolio," continued the man who has previously been canon fodder for predatory online bookmakers who are take advantage of his desire to put 24 different multis on a prime time game of footy and bet on every goat track from Ballina to Broome. 

Sally, who was the kind of kid that would nibble bits off her easter egg to make it last a month after easter, laughed a happy laugh. 

After months and years of begging him to use his/their money a bit more wisely, (and actually downloaded the Pearler app onto his phone months ago before the auto-storage clean up thing sent it back into the cloud), Sally confirmed to The Advocate that she is rather relieved. 

“That sounds like a great, and very original idea,” said Sally, raising her eyebrows at her boyfriend with noted deadshit tendencies. 

“Let me know if you need a hand allocating your funds across a diversified portfolio,” she smirked. 

With the big fella pulling one of those mocking faces, he paused before asking Sally if he should really be getting around ETFs.

“Aren’t they the cartoon monkeys?” he asked. 

Sally, who’s been squirreling away funds for years then decided it was time for a little financial crash course. 

“They are not, and a lot of impatient people aren’t fans of them, BUT, anyone with half a brain knows over time they are a smart, solid play.” 

“Oh so it’s just like talking a winger to score with a solid line for the favourite at home?” he laughed. 

With class in session, our reporter decided to bid the happy couple adieu. 

More to come. 

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Pearler knows ads suck but we've all got to eat, and hopefully this made you think. They also wanted to say you should never invest just because of something you saw on social media and investing carries risk, just like your parlay. Pearler Investments Pty Ltd is an authorised representative of Sanlam Private Wealth Pty Ltd (AFSL 337927)