Preschool Incident Report Language So Vague Parents Unsure If Child Fell Over Or Instigated Bloodless Coup In Fiji

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A vague preschool incident report has left local parents scratching their heads, unsure whether their four-year-old daughter sustained a minor playground tumble or attempted to topple a South Pacific government.

The incident unfolded at Little Gumleaves Preschool Centre yesterday, where staff handed over the customary clipboard at pick-up, asking for a signature while assuring the parents that “everything was fine” and “appropriate action was taken.”

According to the child’s father, the form’s deliberately ambiguous wording offered little clarity.

“It just said she was ‘involved in an event’ and that ‘staff responded appropriately,” he said.

“That could mean she tripped over a toy truck or that she’s now controlling the Fijian parliament. Honestly, it’s impossible to tell.”

Preschool sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed the toddler had spent the morning reorganising the dolls’ corner into what appeared to be a provisional government. Witnesses said she held an emergency cabinet meeting with the other four-year-olds, seizing control of the Play-Doh-based economy and announcing herself as interim prime minister.

Experts say the child appears to have taken inspiration from a long history of coups in Fiji, most notably the 2000 putsch led by George Speight, who stormed parliament and held MPs hostage for 56 glorious days until the Australian Government had to ruin everything.

“Obviously she doesn’t have access to firearms or hostages,” explained one parent.

“But she’s clearly studied Speight’s tactics. Isolate the leadership, control communications, declare yourself in charge. Except in this case it was the dolls’ house phone and the sandpit.”

Observers also pointed to echoes of the 1987 military coups led by Rabuka, noting that the toddler’s decision to reorganise nap time seating charts bore hallmarks of a calculated power grab.

While no injuries were reported, several children were left confused after being told to pledge allegiance to “Big Sister Government” a phrase the toddler allegedly chanted while distributing biscuits confiscated from the morning tea table.

The incident report, however, did not go into detail.

“All it said was, ‘Child participated in role play activity. Situation managed,'” said the mother.

“So now we don’t know if she skinned her knee or is about to be sanctioned by the Pacific Islands Forum.”

More to come.