LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A Betoota dad has been reminded once again he can never beat the machine after being humiliated by a pod coffee machine once again.
On the market now for well over 10 years, pod coffee machines are an alternative to simply buying coffee at a cafe where users instead buy the machine, buy some pods, realise they bought the wrong type of pods, order some more pods, nearly break the machine using their pods, not quite getting as much espresso as you want, froth the milk in a separate machine, pour frothy milk into the coffee and enjoy the bean based cafe quality style beverage from the comfort of your own home.
If that sounds complicated to you, spare a thought for Martin Ficklemoore of Betoota Ponds who has a long running rivalry with coffee pod machines that is as nuanced and lengthy as that of Javert and Jean Valjean.
According to Ficklemoore, he is now officially done with his futile attempts at his wife’s pod machine and has decided from now on it’s just easier if he boils a billy and hand grinds his own coffee beans every morning.
“I could go to a cafe but I’m always getting up my kids about spending their life savings on coffee,” stated Ficklemoore over the winding roar of his hand cranked coffee grinder.
“I’m just not going near their fucking machine again. They are the rental agents of appliances, they can go and get fucked.”
Previously, Ficklemoore has made it clear that he is not a coffee snob even if his new routine involves paper filters, a specialty timer and something known as ‘extraction time’.
“It’s worth paying a bit extra for the Pacamara beans with these delicate notes of raspberry and jasmine tea, I actually roasted these myself, take a look they are bigger than other varietals…”
“But it’s not any of that wanky shit OK? I’m roasting it on a fire! I have to, we’ve got one of those new smart ovens where I have to adjust the heat on an app on my phone and I can’t figure out how to get it to stop beeping.”
“What happened to the machines working for us?” asked Ficklemoore, as he swung a boiling billy coffee around his person.
