Dubai Crypto Bro Rushes Home To Peacetime Nation He Spent 5 Years Running Down As A Woke Shit Hole

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A local Dubai crypto bro - who has spent the last few years dragging his home nation through the mud - has been quick to dig up his old passport this week.

Peter Yates (29), who moved to Dubai in 2022 because Dan Andrews was begging him to please take public health measures seriously, has been forced to head back to Australia as the conflict in the Middle East intensifies.

The-29 year-old said he moved to the UAE due to Australia's "woke human rights" - and because he was sick of his crypto earnings being taxed to pay for Medicare that is afforded to every single citizen.

Despite spending the last few years bragging about Dubai's impeccable safety, lack of Western degeneracy, and slave built infrastructure, Peter wasted no time getting the hell out of there the second the realities of living in a Middle Eastern city hit home.
"Yeah, well, I obviously had too" he explained.

Peter, who has proudly stated in the past that caring about the news and politics is for "sheep", admits he probably should have read up a little bit about one of the biggest trigger points for WW3 before moving there.

"Ohhhh so Iran and Israel don't like each other, right"

"And like Iran also doesn't like Dubai? Or is it Israel that doesn't like Dubai? You know Dubai is actually only a city. The country is called the Unified Arabian Emirates."

He reportedly made the discovery while attempting to book the first available flight out of the region, briefly pausing to ask friends back home whether Victoria was still a "woke nanny state".

After landing in the Victorian capital and immediately purchasing a flat white and a sausage roll after taking the SkyRail into town, Peter conceded that the city has changed a lot since Dan Andrews's party was voted out of 'the Melbourne Government'.

He has since announced plans to lie low for a bit while things blow over over there. But he's also heard Thailand is pretty chill and doesn't prosecute people for having opinions.