ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A mid level accounts administrator in Betoota’s French Quarter is expected to receive an unfestive tap on the shoulder from HR this afternoon, after placing a carton of illegally imported Chinese cigarettes into the office Secret Santa pile.
Colleagues say 29-year-old Sam Brewster appeared genuinely chuffed with himself when he arrived at work this morning carrying a gift bag that looked suspiciously rectangular. He reportedly placed it under the tree with the confidence of a man who believed he was being extremely funny.
"I thought everyone would love it," Sam told The Advocate.
"Secret Santa’s meant to be fun. And everyone’s always getting something lame like sunscreen or hand balm. So I thought, why not get a laugh?"
The gift in question is a carton of Double Happiness, a brand of very cheap Chinese cigarettes widely understood to be smuggled into the country by organised crime groups. The packaging is gold, the warning labels are optional, and the nicotine content appears to be unrestricted like parts of the German autobahn.
To Sam, this seemed like a great idea.
"They were only forty bucks," he said.
"For a whole carton. That’s cheaper than two packets locally. I thought it’d bring some festive cheer. Everyone loves a Chinese breath mint after a few beers."
Unfortunately for Sam, his manager quickly recognised the cartons and realised that the office’s annual $35 Secret Santa limit was not the biggest problem at play.
HR were notified shortly after morning tea, with the department now preparing a conversation that will attempt to balance workplace policies, international tobacco regulations, and Sam's masculine desire to be funny but also practical.
A spokesperson for the company's People and Culture team confirmed they would be opening a conversation with Sam before the weekly Friday drinks.
"For legal and safety reasons, we can't have employees gifting black market cigarettes sourced from criminal syndicates," the spokesperson said.
"Especially not in branded company wrapping paper."
Co-workers say they are torn between feeling amused and concerned.
"Of course it was Sam," said one colleague.
"Last year he gave someone a bottle of homebrew rum. After his uncle went blind from drinking the first batch."
As for Sam, he has begun to sense that something may be wrong.
"Everyone keeps asking where I got them," he said.
"And why I used cash. And why the health warnings are like smoking may increase your social credit score."
Still, Sam remains hopeful.
"I reckon someone good will get it. Maybe someone from IT. They love darts."
HR disagrees. The carton will be quietly removed, and Sam's entry will be replaced with a Cadbury Favourites box and a firm reminder that Secret Santa gifts must be acceptable.
More to come.
