ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A report commissioned by the Diamantina Housing Institute (DIA) has found that too much urban space is dedicated to a stupid game played by old barge arse boomers and their fuckhead children when the land could be turned into thousands of apartments for people to live in.

The report, which was funded in part by Packham Inn Developments, outlined that green space is overrated and highlighted the potential negatives of golf courses in the long run.

It was authored by Wendy O’Hoolahoop, a local resident who has lived opposite the Royal Betoota Country Club for the past seven months and has been dissatisfied with it ever since. She spoke candidly with The Advocate this afternoon about the report.

“Golf courses are the biggest waste of metropolitan land in every city around Australia,” she explained.

“It’s a game enjoyed by a small number of people in the community. Golf courses are closing every day. I needn’t remind you, but Australia is struggling with a housing supply crisis. To put it bluntly, there are too many people for the available houses. So we need to build more.”

“State and local councils are duty-bound to convert every golf course they own into affordable housing. Not public housing, but affordable housing. In fact, they should be given to successful Australians like Harry Triguboff and the owner of Metricon. Let them transform something useless into something beneficial for all.”

“More housing stock means less demand for the existing stock we have. It’s all in the report. It’s basic economics.”

However, the President of the Royal Betoota Country Club has countered the report.

Retired magistrate Roland Gunt told our reporter that he’s read the report and “it’s all nonsense.”

“It’s just NIMBYism. The locals don’t actually want more apartments; they want these golf courses turned into public parks. Somewhere they can take their goldendoodle or rescue staffie to defecate while mindlessly scrolling through their FaceToks or what have you,” he said.

“But deep down, they just want to be members. They resent the exclusivity of the club. Anyway, constructing 15,000 apartments on top of a golf course on the outskirts of town benefits developers and the government, but where are these people supposed to work? The Old City is ten miles from here, and there’s only one bus every half hour.”

“And I bet these so-called pro-development types have never hit a high cut with their 3 wood from 215 yards out and made a divot the size of a chimpanzee’s eyeball on the green. Once you do that, you’ll be pro-golf until the lefties hang you from a lamppost. Mark my words, son.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here